7 Things I learned about Teshuvah/High Holidays from a Pre-Schooler

            Rabbi Lauren Grabelle Herrmann, Rosh HaShanah 5772

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Shana Tova!  It is wonderful to see so many new and returning faces here at Kol Tzedek.  This year, the holidays feel especially like a time of reconnection and reunion.  As many of you know, Jon and I welcomed our second child, Nadiv, on June 30 who joined big sister Aviel, who turned four in September.   

 Every year, as we move toward a new year and a new High Holiday season, I am amazed and awed by the majesty and power of these sacred days.  Tradition asks us, every year, to dig deep inside our souls so that we can return to being the best and most authentic versions of ourselves.  We are asked to forgive and to be forgiven, to turn ourselves into new directions.  We are reminded that anything is possible for ourselves and our communities in the New Year.

In the course of my rabbinate and my life, I have studied many beautiful and inspiring texts and prayers about the meaning of the Yamim Nora’im, the Days of Awe, and about teshuva, the process or reflection, renewal and change that is at the heart of these days.  Yet, I always find that I learn the most about teshuvah and the power of the High Holidays from experiences in my life.  Three years ago after the first year of my daughter’s life, I shared some of the “torah” that I learned about the Days of Awe from my first year of parenting. This year too-- perhaps because I spent the months leading up the holidays focused on family – I found myself coming back to lessons I learned about Teshuvah from parenting-- this time, from parenting a curious, intelligent, and willful pre-schooler.     

I share these stories and lessons because I believe that in the particular, we can sense the universal; because I believe these stories can help illuminate different aspects of the High Holidays and invite us to imagine what is possible for us in the New Year. Here are 7 lessons I have learned about Teshuvah & the High Holidays from a pre-schooler:

1.      Live with Awe

 One of the great joys, I find, about parenting a pre-schooler is going to fun places like the zoo, the science museum, the aquarium.  One of the less joyful aspects of parenting is going to these places over and over and over again.      

Recently, my daughter and I went to the Camden Aquarium to see, among other things, the giant hippos.  She was very excited.  I was less so, in part because we have seen those hippos probably at least 20 times and let’s be honest: they don’t do all that much but sit there.  When we entered into the hippo area and she caught sight of one of those ginormous creatures, she shouted with joy, as if it were the first time she ever saw them: “YAY! The hippos are out! Look!  Look! They are so cool!”  I took a breath, looked at those hippos, and remembered how awesome they are indeed.

 Rosh HaShanah is also called HaYom HaRat Olam, the day the world was birthed into being.  On this day, today, we celebrate the grandeur of creation, the beauty of our earth, and the awesomeness of every living being on this planet.  Rosh HaShanah is an invitation into seeing the world with “radical amazement,” to offer a phrase by Rabbi Abraham Joshua Heschel.     

Children seem to naturally intuit an awareness of the greatness of Creation, the wonder of the tiniest bug and the majesty of the largest creatures.  We grown-ups may have moments of such awareness, but often are distracted with the busy-ness of our lives to notice or we allow things we see regularly to become “ordinary.”  Today, our ancestors taught, is the anniversary of the world’s birth.  But just as our tradition teaches that creation was not a onetime event, rather an ongoing act, we have the opportunity on this New Year to experience awe and wonder, not only today but every day. 

 2.      Know when to say “no.”

About a year ago, I took Aviel and her first cousin to Dutch Wonderland, an amusement park. Now let me explain: Alexa, Aviel’s only first cousin, is 18 months older than her, and in Aviel’s eyes, can do no wrong.  Everything that Alexa does, Aviel wants to do.  Everything that Alexa says, Aviel repeats. You get the idea!  Now, at Dutch Wonderland, Alexa, the older, adventurous cousin went on every roller coaster in the park!  Any ride she saw, she was willing to try.  Interestingly, Aviel, who would normally follow her cousin’s every move, was very clear: No roller coasters for me.  No matter how much pushing or prodding from her older cousin, she would not budge.  Not only did Aviel know her limits, she made no excuses or apologies.  She simply said “No.”

 Over the High Holidays, we examine where we have missed the mark. One of the ways we often “miss the mark” in life is in regards to our own boundaries.  I hear over and over again in my conversations with friends and Kol Tzedek members that saying “no” for many of us is exceedingly challenging.  Without negative intentions, we say “yes” when we mean “no” – often in order to make others happy, often because we really want to do something, yet we are not aware in the moment that our doing so will stretch us beyond what we can take on at a particular moment.  At this time of year, when we think about turning and moving in the right directions, can we be more in touch with our needs and our own limits?  Can we get back to or cultivate the honesty and self-acceptance of a three year old who knows how and when to say “no”?

3.      Face the Monsters.

 About six months ago, Aviel, who was normally quite easy to put to bed, suddenly became frightened and paralyzed at bedtime.  She cried and cried and would not let Jon or I leave the room.  “Aviel, what’s going on?”  “I’m scared.” she said.  I asked, “What are you scared of?”  She responded, “Monsters.” 

 Jon and I looked at each other, not quite sure how to respond.  After a second pause, I blurted out what I thought might comfort her (and what made sense to me as a rational adult), “Sweetie, there aren’t any monsters! There is nothing to be afraid of!”  

 Well, not surprisingly, that didn’t help!  In fact, it made things worse that night. After some more time and cuddling, we got her to sleep finally that night.  I then did what every thoughtful parent would do: I did a Google search! One site I trust read, “Never tell your children that there aren’t really monsters.”  Woops! I guess I missed the mark on that one!  It went on to explain that monsters are very real for young children.  When someone tells a child that there are no monsters, this only invalidates the child’s fear, rather than giving her resources to cope with them. 

 The next night, Aviel and I worked together to make a big, very clear sign on her door: “No Monsters allowed.”  We hung the sign on her door and talked to the monsters before she went to sleep. “Monsters! You are not allowed in Aviel’s room so please go away!”  We repeated this process every night for many weeks, adding other tricks that helped her sure up her courage.  While she is still afraid from time to time, she is learning to face her fears and becoming stronger because of it.

 We call these days in Hebrew “Yamim Nora’im,” “Nora’im” comes from the word “yirah,” which means fear.  These are fear-inspiring days in many ways.  Through the internal process of teshuvah, we are invited to look each for him or herself at what is holding us back from being who we are, from doing what needs to be done—what are we afraid of? Failure? Intimacy?  Lonlineness?  Can we face those fears for the sake of our growth and happiness?   

And on a very tangible level, the holidays are about facing the ultimate fear: the fear of death.  We see this in the imagery of the Book of Life and Death and when we wear a kittel on Yom Kippur, but perhaps this is most keenly felt when we recite the Untane Tokef prayer [we recited earlier]: which reads, “On Rosh HaShanah it is written and on Yom Kippur it is sealed, who shall live and who shall die…”  Boom! There it is in front of us—the fear we often ignore or dismiss or deny-- the reality of our mortality and that of our loved ones.  It is truly scary to face the unknown, to come to terms with our vulnerability.  It is extremely hard to face the fears that get in our way.  But we have clear choice: We can choose to say “No monsters here!”  “Everything’s ok!”  Or we can look right at our fears, we can own them, and we can find the courage to face them.  And God willing, doing so will inspire us live our lives more fully and more intentionally.

 

4.      Use Your Words.

Aviel recently fell down a set of our steps and was both shocked and hurt.  After an initial few minutes of comforting and kissing boo-boos, I walked her over to the steps so she could tell the steps exactly how she felt about that. “I didn’t like that, steps!” she said emphatically.  When I first saw one of Aviel’s teachers doing this a few years ago, I thought this tactic – of communicating one’s feelings to inanimate objects-- was a bit funny and strange, yet I also saw it as an effective tool.  After all, we want our children to acknowledge and express their feelings.  We want to give them the tools to deal with hurts and injuries, physical or emotional, so that they can thrive in a world in which they will inevitably fall down, over and over again.

As I have coached Aviel to express her feelings, I have also become aware of how much I myself could benefit from this coaching.  I am sure I am not alone in this: how many times do we use our words wisely, do we speak our needs and feelings to the person who needs to hear them?  There are many situations in which instead of expressing our thoughts and feelings, we withhold.  Other times, instead of expressing to the one who has wronged us we might turn to others and engage in LaShon HaRah, gossip.     

When we engage in teshuvah, we are asked to think about what we have done wrong, not only with our actions but also with our tongues.  On Yom Kippur, when we recite the Al Heyt prayer, a litany of our wrongdoings, there is a striking number that have to do with sins of speech.  All of these sins of speech can be contrasted with positive and direct speech that helps us express our feelings and experience connection.  This process of self-reflection and of confessional invites us to see what is possible if we were to use our words wisely.

5.      Forgive quickly.

A few weeks ago, Aviel was having a play date with her best friend Henry.  Aviel and Henry are very close and typically play very well together.  But this time, things were not going so well.  Henry took Aviel’s toy car; then he pulled her hair.  Aviel was livid.  I mean you should have seen her!  She put one hand over the other, stamped her feet, and screamed, “I’m mad!”  She then proceeded to walk away and tell me Henry wasn’t her friend anymore.  In about 10 seconds, Henry came up to Aviel and offered a simple apology.  Arms still crossed, enjoying her own drama, I wasn’t sure what she would do.  But she took a breath and said, “Ok.”  They held hands and continued with their play date. 

The heart of teshuvah is forgiveness: asking for forgiveness from others and oneself.  And while it is not a requirement to forgive others, it is encouraged to do so.  Not only for their sake, but for the sake of one’s own healing and wholeness.

Of course, the fights and arguments between three year olds are much more simple and straightforward than the fights and disagreements between adults.  Having someone take your toys is not the moral equivalent of someone lying to you or hurting you, for example.  Yet, I wonder: can we learn from young children who forgive as easily as they anger?  Who really can give someone who asks for it a blank slate, a new beginning?  Can we free ourselves by forgiving others?  

 

6.      Embracing the Passing of the Years

Aviel spent about 11 months counting down to her fourth birthday.  She would say “I’m three and a 1/4!”  Then, “I am three and a half!”  Then, “three and ¾!”  And my favorite, for the month of August, Aviel would tell friends and strangers alike, “I am three and eleven-twelfths!”  Now, she goes up to people randomly on the street and says, “Guess what? I am FOUR!” in the most excited voice, so that even the most disinterested stranger smiles. 

As Aviel was growing more and more excited to turn four, I noticed my own internal resistance.  To quote the great Fiddler on the Roof, “Sunrise, Sunset: Where is this little girl I carried?”  If these four years have passed this quickly, in the blink of an eye, pretty soon, she will be in college!  I am not ready!  Can we please press the PAUSE button?  Or at least slow motion?  And, if I am being completely honest, I was resistant not just for her but for myself.  If Aviel is four, that means I am getting up there too!       

Every year, without fail, Rosh Hashanah arrives and invites us to celebrate another year of the earth turning.  The holiday teaches us:  We cannot stop the clock, nor should we.  We can look to the past but what’s even better, we can make the most of our present and we can determine our future.  And further, why should we resist the passage of time when this year is full of possibilities that we cannot yet imagine?!  There is no going backwards, only forwards.  Embrace it with joy!       

7.      The Freedom to Choose.

As a parent of a pre-schooler, I am always providing choices.  Aviel, do you want a purple or pink shirt today? Do you want a banana or an apple for breakfast? Noodles or a hot dog for dinner?  Sometimes though, Aviel gets a different kind of choice.  For example, a few nights ago, at 7:30pm, Aviel wanted to play outside for an hour. I knew she needed to start bedtime soon. I made my offer: “Aviel, you can choose to play outside for 15 minutes or not play outside at all.”  With a sigh—and a grin—“Ok, I choose 15 minutes.”

Teshuva, in the aspect of turning and changing directions in our lives is a true affirmation of our free will as human beings.  We are not forever stuck in a particular pattern or habit; in a problematic relationship or work situation.  We are not victims of our situations.  We have the capacity to choose.   

Inevitably, there are many situations in which we do not exercise as much or maybe even any control over and sometimes the circumstances of our lives limit our choices, yet the message remains: we still have choices.  We can choose to be angry or resentful or we can choose to embrace and grow with our challenges.  We can choose to stay too long in the mode of self-pity or we can recognize that things just happen and it’s ok.  As Sylvia Boorstein, a Jewish teacher of mindfulness, writes, “The moment in which my mind acknowledges ‘This isn’t what I wanted, but it’s what I got’ is the point in which suffering disappears….Having given up the fight for another reality, it is free to allow space for new possibilities to come into view.”[i]  We have the power to choose. 

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Over Rosh HaShanah and Yom Kippur, we repeat and sing these words from the Book of Lamentations: “HaShivenu Elecha V’Nashuva, Hadesh yameninu k’kedem. Return us, O Holy One, and we will return; renew our days as before.” 

K’kedem -- "as before," can also be interpreted as “like when we were young.”  Return us, Holy One, to the spirit of our youth.   This High Holiday season, may we be able to turn and return, to change and to choose, to grow and to learn, to accept and to love, to forgive and be forgiven, to bless and be a blessing, and let us say Amen.