the stakes are really high

I am not exactly conflict averse, but I don’t particularly enjoy conflict. I am prone to seeing it as the result of mistakes I, and the other people involved, have made, rather than a healthy opportunity for change. 

The honest truth is that I am in conflict with several people in my life right now. The work of Teshuvah may be the focus of Elul but is not contained to those prescient days. Some conflicts have been resolved and others have worsened. I am working to remember that conflict is part of the spiritual path. And that Torah can guide me in navigating conflict with more grace. 

In a tribute written by Rebecca Solnit, the words of Buddhist teacher and environmental activist Joanna Macy, of blessed memory, captured my attention, a welcome refresh. 

Macy once wrote, “It is good to realize that falling apart is not such a bad thing. Indeed, it is as essential to transformation as the cracking of outgrown shells. Anxieties and doubts can be healthy and creative, not only for the person but for the society, because they permit new and original approaches to reality.”

There is deep wisdom here that I have learned before but remains hard to internalize. It is hard to internalize because falling apart is painful. It involves loss and grief, disorientation and uncertainty. 

This week’s Torah portion, Vayishlach, contains the anticipated reunion of Jacob and Esau, brothers separated by betrayal, preparing to reencounter one another. Jacob is afraid, and he spends the night alone on the banks of the river Yabbok, where he famously wrestles with a being, somehow both human and divine. The tussle lasts until dawn, at which point the angel begs for release and Jacob relents on the condition that the angel bless him. 

Genesis 32 reads,

וַיֹּ֣אמֶר שַׁלְּחֵ֔נִי כִּ֥י עָלָ֖ה הַשָּׁ֑חַר וַיֹּ֙אמֶר֙ לֹ֣א אֲשַֽׁלֵּחֲךָ֔ כִּ֖י אִם־בֵּרַכְתָּֽנִי׃

“Then he said:
Let me go,
for dawn has come up!
But he said:
I will not let you go
unless you bless me.

וַיֹּ֥אמֶר אֵלָ֖יו מַה־שְּׁמֶ֑ךָ וַיֹּ֖אמֶר יַעֲקֹֽב׃

​He said to him:
What is your name?
And he said: Yaakov.”

At this point the angel blesses Jacob with the name Yisrael - the one who struggles. Commentators ask if this struggle is internal or external. I am unsure it matters. Either way it is archetypal. It invites us to consider what we do with our fears, what we are struggling with, what we refuse to let go of, what we long to be blessed with.  

I offer you the wisdom of Joanna Macy, who invites us into a love greater than our fear:
“Each one of us has been called into being at this time. I am convinced of that. We are not here by accident. Is it my imagination to think that we have chosen this? Is it not a privilege to be incarnating at a time when the stakes are really high, at a time when everything we’ve ever learned about interconnectedness, about trust, about courage, can be put to the test? Each one of us, I believe, is a gift the earth is giving to itself now, a unique gift. Every anguish, betrayal, disappointment can even help prepare us for the work of healing.”